Well, that was certainly an action-packed year. Sure would be nice if we could get a break before charging headlong into the new year -- a couple of off-calendar weeks to rest up before we go "back on the clock," as it were. Since that's not likely to happen anytime soon, we'll have to settle for the next best thing: fair warning. So here's what we can expect in 2009:

January

Barack Obama is sworn in as the nation's 44th president and immediately faces an economic and foreign policy crisis when Iceland converts into a bank holding company and applies for federal rescue funds. Administration officials deftly parry the challenge by pushing a supplemental appropriations bill through Congress providing the frigid island nation with a new flat-screen TV. Separately, insurance giant AIG receives another $100 billion government bailout.

February

Making good on his campaign promise to toughen regulation of the financial services sector, President Obama appoints former Chicago Bears linebacker Mike Singletary as Securities and Exchange Commission chairman. Singletary kicks off his tenure with a rousing post-enforcement action news conference during which he rips into one of his fellow commissioners for taking an unnecessary litigation penalty at a crucial time. Despite the theatrics, Singletary's SEC remains mired in a slump, which only deepens when defense lawyers begin persuading judges to apply a little-known provision in the Securities Exchange Act of 1934 imposing harsh sanctions for "roughing the banker."

March

In their most audacious attack yet, Somali pirates hijack Carl Icahn. Using small boats and grappling hooks, the band of buccaneers board the financier and force him to anchor in the dangerous waters off Bayonne, N.J. But in a daring turnabout, Icahn frees himself by administering a bear hug to his captors, who flee and attempt to blend in with the populace of nearby Jersey City. Fortunately, the outlaws are quickly identified and arrested -- given away by their noticeable swashbuckling. Separately, insurance giant AIG receives another $100 billion government bailout.

April

On a dreary night early in the new baseball season, the New York Mets try to take on the San Diego Padres at home, only to find that their brand-new ballpark -- Citi Field -- has been repossessed by taxpayers angry that Citigroup was allowed to keep its name on the stadium after its rescue by the government. The Mets attempt to mollify the mob by designating the field's rain cover as the "TARP Tarp," but any goodwill generated by that gesture evaporates when the team signs former Citi CEO Chuck Prince as its late-inning setup man.

May

Still reeling from poor holiday sales at the end of 2008, the nation's upscale retailers attempt to blunt the impact of equally disappointing first-quarter results by hiring advisers to search for potential acquirers among sovereign wealth funds run by dimwitted oil-rich sultanates. These efforts quickly bear fruit as Saks and Nieman Marcus are sold to the Alaska Permanent Fund. Separately, insurance giant AIG receives another $100 billion government bailout.

June

Henry Paulson again adjusts the government's Wall Street rescue program, this time ordering the Treasury Department to issue ATM cards to financial institutions so their CEOs can withdraw bailout cash 24 hours a day. Congressional Democrats respond cautiously. "It isn't clear to me that Paulson has the authority to do this," notes Senate Banking Committee Chairman Chris Dodd. "Someone should probably tell him that he's not Treasury secretary anymore."

July

Author Michael Lewis tops the bestseller lists again with "Cruisin': Why I Haven't Written Anything Even Remotely Interesting Since MoneyBall." The book is a searing, yet wryly humorous account of the government's efforts to save Wall Street from itself and includes a counterintuitive -- yet persuasive -- statistical argument that Billy Wagner is actually better in save situations than Chuck Prince. Separately, insurance giant AIG receives another $100 billion government bailout.

August

At the height of the summer driving season, gasoline prices sink to historically low levels because no one is driving. Oil companies attempt to boost sales through such gimmicks as a "Free Gold Ingot With Every Fill-up" promotion and an ad campaign enumerating "1001 New Uses for Gasoline" (No. 675: "Dabbed behind the ears, it sets passion aflame"). But nothing helps, and the price per gallon soon nearly equals the annual salary of a "Big Three" CEO.

September

In their most audacious attack yet, short sellers hijack a Somali pirate ship. Using margin accounts and Internet message boards, the band of traders board the trawler and immediately start trying to sink it. But in a daring turnabout, the pirates successfully appeal to the SEC for a ban on high-seas seizures by the short sellers, who flee and attempt to blend in with the population of nearby Citigroup shareholders. Fortunately, the shorts are quickly identified and harshly admonished -- given away by their noticeable hedging. Separately, insurance giant AIG receives another $100 billion government bailout.

October

The Supreme Court strikes down President Obama's economic stimulus program as a violation of the Constitution's prohibition against spreading the wealth around. Obama responds by stuffing the five-member majority into a crate and sending it to Iceland. This "court-packing" scheme fails, however, when Icelandic customs officials discover that the shipment contains dangerous levels of antonin.

November

In perhaps the most tragic manifestation of the distress still gripping the financial services sector, Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit calmly climbs to the roof of the bank's headquarters, takes one last look around -- and hurls his last few pennies worth of federal buyout funds into the crisp autumnal air. Citi's board responds with a vote of confidence in the executive, saying in a statement: "We view this as a cry for help." Separately, insurance giant AIG shocks Wall Street and government officials by announcing that it has amassed a $500 billion war chest for acquisitions and that its first purchase will be the "Big Three."

December

After another year of turmoil on Wall Street, executives of the largest investment banks again announce that they will not accept bonuses and go even further by expanding their refusal-to-accept list. Until the economy turns around, the financial chieftains will not accept blame, congratulations, condolences, defeat, compliments, new members, children of alumni, your apology, applications submitted without the appropriate fee, the results of their last cholesterol test, the jury's verdict, the judgment of the American people, reservations for parties of less than six, Microsoft's latest takeover bid and this once-in-a-lifetime offer to own Exxon Mobil's new high-octane Eau de Toilette. And to show that they really mean it, they also won't take no for answer. Separately, giant automaker AIG receives a $100 billiong overnment bailout.