That was close. Just when it looked like Comrade Obama was about to succeed in his scheme to turn the United States into a Loser's Paradise, Rick Santelli blew the whistle on the entire plot. If the Great Santelli hadn't taken to the CNBC cable waves and explained just why the administration's plan to reduce home foreclosures was so evil, we would all be producing goods and services right now.
Which is just what the Marxist regime in Washington wants -- stabilize the housing market, shore up the economy and produce more workers. Get enough workers together and pretty soon they start acting like they own the place.
Just who does the Obama character think we are? Cubans?
Santelli thinks not. "You know, Cuba used to have mansions and a relatively decent economy," he ranted. "They moved from the individual to the collective. Now they're driving '54 Chevys, maybe the last great car to come out of Detroit."
Real Americans don't build cars. Or televisions. Or Persian Gulf nations. Or anything else that humans can buy with their greasy dollar bills and maxed-out Visa cards. Real Americans create exotic financial instruments to trade among themselves, over and over again, until everyone is driving Porsches -- which are made by elves deep in the Bavarian forest and borne to these shores by swarms of flying pixies who look like tiny Milton Friedmans.
And Real Americans definitely do not default on their McMansion mortgages, no matter how far underwater they are. Real Americans swim. Losers sink. Or do the doggie paddle, which technically makes them socialists.
So what's going on here? "I'll tell you what," Santelli offered, "if you read our founding fathers, people like Benjamin Franklin and Jefferson ... what we're doing in this country now is making them roll over in their graves." Well, that's a little odd. CNBC's own Jim Goldman is reporting that Benjamin Franklin and Jefferson are doing just fine.
But overall, Santelli is right on the mark. Oh, sure, it all seems so clear now. In fact, it's difficult to recall just how blinded we were by Obama and his "experts" with their "data" showing that our credit markets were "frozen." They couldn't even get their stories straight. What was it? Frozen markets or global warming?
Fortunately, Santelli alerted us all to the danger emanating from Washington. And let's not forget the contributions of the heroic capitalists on the floor of the Chicago Board of Trade who helped amplify Santelli's televised call to action by making loud noises in the background.
"These guys are pretty straightforward and, my guess is, a pretty good statistical cross-section of America, the silent majority," Santelli pointed out. Because as everyone knows, statistically speaking, the U.S. population is made up almost entirely of 30-something options traders who vigorously exercise their rights to remain silent. Unless they are on TV, in which case they make loud noises.
"You know, they're pretty much of the notion that you can't buy your way into prosperity," Santelli explained, translating the loud noises for us mere mortals. And in that, the Silent Noisemakers are entirely correct. You cannot buy your way into prosperity. Read any economics text and you'll understand that prosperity is bestowed by wise and omnipotent pundits, who distribute this reward to a fortunate few through links on the Drudge Report.
Santelli now sits atop this Punditocracy, dividing the world into
pitiful Losers and exalted Traders. Some of the Losers, obviously sore
at this designation, have taken to hurling insults at The Great One,
referring to him as a "journalist." Nonsense. Journalism is an obsolete
profession whose most venerated practitioners saw it as their duty to
"comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable." Santelli answers a
higher calling: to afflict any Loser who makes
Obama, of course, will continue his efforts to "put Americans back to work." But even if the president succeeds, all he'll get is a higher gross domestic product, a healthy financial system and a second term on the Politburo.
On the other hand, Santelli's legend will grow with each new rant. There is already talk that he may be installed as the leader of a new political movement -- the Chicago Tea Party. With that kind of organizational backing, the Great Santelli can overcome any barrier, scale any height and conquer any opponent. As long as it doesn't involve producing any goods and services.